The First Romeo
and the Last Juliet
Lin Stone

Chellie Lace was acclaimed as the most beautiful actress on God's Green Earth by HBO, and two great men of the world were her ardent suitors. Being unable to choose between them, she wanted to devise a test to decide which of the two lovers loved her most, and make him her loving husband.

MORE Humor

Children under the age of 13 MUST HAVE permission from parents before they can  click on any of our links

Have you enjoyed this article?
You'll chuckle over these other tidbits as well.

Hooch The story of a boy and his dog, and the big tigers that loved them to death.

How the Bureau knocked out ALL OF THE MOBSTER AND GANGSTER KING PINS in about 5 years. They were knocking them dead, and proud of it. Many trials happened immediately and justice was dispensed overnight. How did we lose that?

Get Out And VOTE.

One Liners, the most popular brand of humor in America.

Secrets of Success, according to Lucy Goosey 

Sound of Music Stories  Why Julie Andrews decided to take the part.

Ink Blots Are Prejudiced!

Doktor Freud had some important things to say.

Bloopers First Class, MisPrince from Advertising

Imitation Psychiatrists  The atmosphere inside is sincere, earthy, and courteous.  Our help is so effective that sometimes we even lull each other to sleep. After years of dedicated practice we can speak soothing, meaningless drivel on a variety of subjects.


One unforgettable Sunday our church had a three-year- old preacher, an organist who could only play one song, an altercation involving the offering and a visiting beagle who knocked over the pulpit. It happened this way on . . One Unforgettable Sunday. 
Light-Hearted Stories of Hope 


Will Rogers Cuts Loose On The Armistice 


Are you sick and tired of being broke?  Maybe it is time to take this three part course in robbing banks.
Bank Robbery, Course 1
Bank Robbery, Course 2
Bank Robbery, Course 3

The Lady Ore the Tiger 
Christmas Lists 
Hot New Dog Race Explodes with a bang from the City Hall in Stuttgart and will continue uninterrupted until the winners collect their winnings on the front steps of the Bank of England, which will be holding the magnificent purse.

The Skeeter Beater, by Lin Stone 
The First Romeo and the Last Juliet, by Earl H. Roberts 
The Beebe Flea Market by Maggie Wood 
Where in the World, by Maggie Wood 
Buddha in the Bathtub by Earl H. Roberts
Fun With Misfired Words, part 1 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 2 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 3 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 4 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 5 
Pearls from My Lips 

The Pakistani Perpetrators 

Frankie and Johnny were sweethearts, even if Johnny was so crazy with jealousy that he eloped with the hired help using up all of Frankie's money!

Finding The Right Cook 

Masters of Disguise  tales from Hollywood. 
Stories of Shirley Temple in Hollywood 
Chickens are Cute Little Carnivores 
The Church of the Chaise Lounge, If it feels good, sleep on it. 
Warner Brothers leads the way to Sound movies.
The Crabgrass Connection -- (Or, If We intend to Save America, we MUST quit blowing off Steam!)    Lin offers no apologies for tackling Chinese midgets in this one.  He sincerely believes that we must quit feeding the hand that bites us if we want to conquer the crabgrass in our front yards. 

Is Your Hologram keeping track of you? 
The Couch Potato's Credible Comeback 
Insurance Humor 
Victory over the Virus 
Galded in the Saddle, an exposition of the cure that bites from the behind. 

Passion in a Flower pot... The deal of a lifetime finds romance from down Mejico Way. 
Dear Abby:  A plea for help. 
Ancient Document Discovered by Earl H. Roberts:  This one will find most interest from those with a solid military background, including those who have watched a few war movies. 
Drop Him GOOD, by Earl H. Roberts

Liquid Vitamins in a Liquid World?  What is this world coming to?
Rising From The Ashes, by Earl H. Roberts.  Sometimes we just flat gotta face facts head on and honestly if we intend for the flames of ambition to lift us to new heights. 
The Popcorn Automatic self-improvement replicator program.
Sneakers Sneak Into The World
The Unified Theory of Web Economics and the Science of Selling Gas
Sincerely yours, tired, trite, and untrue.
Were you Scared, or just startled? 

The Tin Tinted Venus  What do you do when Venus comes to life and will love no one, only you?  Our young hairdresser wishes to run for his life.  This is a complete, full sized book.  Please RIGHT CLICK on the title to download your copy to your desktop.

Valentine's Day Speshul 

The Mad Dog, and danged if he didn't bite.
Oldies, older than the Civil War.

Tales of the Broke and Famous
Noah's Departure 
A Google Addict 
A man and his wife are soon parted. 
The Dust Bunnies Are EVERYWHERE! 
Body Building Inventions you haven't seen yet

Brand Them GOOD!
The Adventures of Psi King 
Gila Bend of Yesteryear 

The Book of Huckleberry Finn.  The story of an uncivilized boy that took a runaway slave down the river. It would have been a riveting "coming of age" novel -- but Huck escaped that clause by the skin of his teeth.

Her closest friend, Dr. J. C. Adoniphus (the renowned physician of the stars) told her flat out: "Chellie, if you are the one devising this test you will be subconsciously predetermining who wins, because the one who makes up the test always decides who they want the winner to be. So, let ME help. Let me make up the test for you. That way, you won't be influencing the outcome by knowing in advance which lover you wish loved you the most."

Well, that made sense to Chellie. Under Dr. Adoniphus's guidance, she soon staged a horrible accident which left her face, throat, shoulders, and chest covered with bandages. Dr. Adoniphus called the two suitors in together to see the "unconscious" Chellie. 

"She will be disfigured for life with hideous scars which can never be removed. "Furthermore," he warned. "Insurance won't cover the expenses and she has already lost every penny she ever had. She is in this private room now only because of my charity. One of you needs to begin picking up the tab for her treatments, immediately."

"Oh NO!" Brutus groaned, and tears squirted down his patrician nose even as he turned and lunged from the room with a strangled cry.

Just as soon as the door closed, Tony hastened to Chellie's side and clasped her lifeless hand in his own. "Dr. Adonophus, don't worry about the bills. I'll pay them. These few scars won't make a bit of difference in the way I feel about her. If Chellie would just marry me, she would make me the happiest man in the world."

The words flung to heaven were a stimulant for Chellie's sagging soul. She recovered almost instantly, and groaned from beneath the bandages. "Of course I'll marry you, dear Antonius. You are the man I've waited for all my life!"

Gently, like a kiss of dew on a spring rose, they embraced. Lightly, his lips brushed against the bandages where her soft lips, like cotton candy, fine, would have been pursed in waiting. He moaned as if in ecstasy, or agony. And her sigh echoed from beneath the bandages. It was many minutes before he drew away, and patted her hand ever so tenderly. "I'll just let you rest then, darling," Tony murmured.

On tiptoe he hastened to the door where he turned to blow Chellie a kiss. "And you can count on me to get all the arrangements made for our wedding by the time you can sit up."

J. C. and Chellie were marveling at their good fortune in so quickly discovering which man loved her the most when Lo and Behold, in strode Brutus with his handsome face aglow. In his right hand dangled a gilded cage. Inside the cage was a common sparrow. "Oh Good, you're awake," he chuckled.

"Darling, I knew that with these scars destroying your beauty, the first thing you would need when you woke up was a source of natural beauty constantly distracting you from the lies your mirror would be telling you. So, I went out and ordered a thousand of the finest songbirds from all around the world, one to sing for any second that your spirit droops the least bit."

He held the gilded cage higher. "But the one I brought first is this cheerful little sparrow that sings outside my own window every morning. Her voice is so sweet that I'd rather hear her sing than Connie Francis. I just know that she will soon be your first choice as well as mine. And, the other trillers are being Fed Exed to us, right now. Before the day is out, your heart won't have room to reflect on any sorrows, ever again."

Chellie was so astonished at his thought and care for her that she impulsively threw her arms around Brutus and hugged him in a frenzy of joy. Then she suddenly realized that she had already promised to marry Antonius. She smacked her forehead, and bellowed in anguish: "Lapsus Linguae. I've already told Antonius that I'd marry him!

"But it is you, Brutus, YOU that loves me the most. 
"Oh, what have I done to us, my love?"

Aghast, poor Brutus fell upon his knees beside her bed. A knife, christened with choice red jewels from Maylasia, sprang into hand. "If I can't have you, Chellie, life can never bloom for me again." And he plunged the knife deep into his spurting breast. The sparrow burst into song from her gilded cage. Nurses hurried in to haul Brutus downstairs for a complete autopsy.


Chellie was still swamped in tears when Tony surged back into the room, shouting to both of them: "It's all set, Baby! We can be married tomorrow morning, right in this room.

"CBS plans on taping the whole event. ABC is going to air 8 hours of your movies. And NBC wants the syndication rights to the story of your brave recovery."

Chellie rubbed desperately at her face. Her eyes pleaded with Dr. Adoniphus to intercede. He spread his hands helplessly. Wearily, Chellie propped herself up in bed. "Adoniphus, with these hideous scars, with ALL my money gone, why do you still want to marry me tomorrow?"

"Hey," Tony grinned, briskly rubbing his hands toigether and smacking his lips. "With legs like yours, who cares what the rest of you looks like?"

"Out! Out!" shrieked Dr. Adoniphus.

"Yes, Out!" Chellie moaned in the very depths of despair. She turned her face to the wall. "Oh, now I have lost both of them."

While the doctor was thrusting the great Antonius from the room Chellie suddenly opened the top drawer of her dresser and chugged down an entire bottle of sleeping pills. Dr. Adoniphus turned around just in time to observe her put the empty glass back down beside the empty bottle of pills.

For just a second he froze. Then his professional training took over.  He picked up the phone and dialed rapidly. His powerful voice barked sharply. "Nurse, this is Dr. Julius C. Adoniphus. Please prepare an operating room for me."

He gripped the phone tighter and turned to stare at Chellie. "Yes, immediately.

"My fiancÚ needs her stomach pumped.

Chellie shook her head in astonishment, then grinned weakly. "Julius, Julius. I should have known right from the start that You would be The Winner of my heart and soul."

She sighed like a dove finding last year's nest still intact and added:  "You always did know how to treat a woman."

The End

Lin Stone is an author, writer, photographer.  Click HERE for a list of his other stories available for your reading pleasure.

  Boredom Busters 

Start  Ex Ploring 
Bird Essays  
Books For Children
Bird Identication Videos
Book Reviews 
Funny Medicine 
Helpful Information
Essays About War
Essays About The Family 
Essays About Money
Free Books To Read
Protect Your Bright Smiles
Horse Care

Parents Lounge
LDS Inspirations
Back to our Front Page  

Images Made For You
Build Your Own Web Sites
 Book  Trailers Made  For  You 
Banners, logos, home pages, book covers