Imitation Psychiatrists

copyright 2007
by Lin Stone

Hillary Clinton decided the only way she would win the election was by canvassing  every neck of the woods in Arkansas.  Those good people in the hills will never let me down just because I ran off and left them for New Yorik."

Her plan was to drive up to visit the old hill farmers first and ask if they knew who she was.  If they didn't know who she was Hillary was going to hand them a handbill with her picture on it and tell them what she thought they wanted to hear.  If they did know her she was going to deal them another handbill off the bottom of the deck that said: "Let's Set the record straight!" and explained away the biggest mistakes she had made in the past.

The very first road she got on went way, way up into the hills.  Finally she came up to an old farm house and knocked on the door.  An old farmer came to the door and stared at her without saying a word. 

"Do you know who I am?" Hillary asked.

"No," said the old farmer.  "But I do have a phone.  Come on in and I'll call a psychiatrist for you."

"I don't need a psychiatrist!" Hillary protested.

"Lady, anybody that drives all the way up this road just to ask me who they are is crazy enough to listen to any psychiatrist."


Anybody with a lick of sense knows a psychiatrist can certify you insane for going up, coming down, or standing still. Not one of them on earth has ever cured anyone but they get paid $600 a hour for thinking they can.  What a racket!  Let me show you how to steal some of their customers, legally.  Yes, I will show you how to be an Imitation Psychiatrist.

Now, if you claimed to be a real psychiatrist yes, you could be locked up for fraud.  But, if you claim to be an IMITATION psychiatrist, there isn't an ounce of fraud in your claim.

Here's the best news.. Competition from real psychiatrists needn't worry you a bit.  Here's what I mean: 

You can make better comments than that, can't you? 

Enough said.  It is time to sign on the dotted line and become an Imitation Psychiatrist.  Here is a sample of the pamphlets you can hand out to get your first customers:  

Do you have problems?

It is a known fact that even the Queen of England has problems. Why, her husband has a separate bedroom. Her son is bored with marriage. And, she does not have a thing to wear.

While your problems are still little molehills you need to pack them up and trot on down to our IMITATION PSYCHIATRIST office.

The atmosphere inside is sincere, earthy, and courteous.  Our help is so effective that sometimes we even lull each other to sleep. After years of dedicated practice we can speak soothing, meaningless drivel on a variety of subjects that you think are bothering you.

We offer you brilliant conversations, sparkling wit, money making opportunity ideas, compassion, and personalized evaluations of our innermost thoughts about the weather. Yes, that Is ALL we do.

But If you aren't already crazy then isn't that ALL you need?


Don't let your trembling emotions keep you from coming in. Just because we are Phony psychiatrists doesn't mean there is anything phony in our friendship.  There is nothing in our threadbare couch to be afraid of either.

After all, has rapt attention ever hurt you?  Do cheerful greetings destroy your faith in humanity?  Will an hour of sincere flattery ruin your evening? Can you accept our soft lights and relaxing music? Will you pay our small fee before you leave?

Your local Imitation Psychiatrist office is haunted with off the wall friendships and reverberating compliments which are hard to believe.  Don't be fooled any longer by those fancy diplomas, official licenses and fancy double talk real psychiatrists dish out while they have you pinned down on THEIR couch.  We GUARANTEE in writing that we will cheat you for less than they do. Besides that, at the end of each session we offer you the choice of paying in cash or leaving your shoes here for security on a loan to tide you over till next time.

And if you ever discover you don't like the awesome listening powers we dispense, you can always go find a witch doctor. 

the end

More Imitation Psychiatrists are needed

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