Robbing Banks

Part II of a Three Part Course

The Heist

By: TheBody

If you've read part one of this article then you will be all prepared to rob your first bank. Banks are so much better than other locations because it is their business to have a lot of money at all times. They also have plenty of cameras around so lots of people can see you and you don't have to send old school mates boring Christmas letters telling them what you have been up to. Before you begin you should have scoped out your bank, chosen a disguise and recruited a group of loyal henchmen.

Establish Your Alibi

You need a rock solid alibi as to where you were at the time of the robbery. Buying a bum a plane ticket with your credit card is always a good one, as is making a key note address to a large crowd in another state. Hopefully the police will never ask you for your story - but if they do you should have one ready.

Also don't give it so readily. What were you doing on the 6th of last month? Chances are you will have to think about it. If I was a detective and asked someone that and they said "I was at work from 7:10 which my secretary can verify, then I went shopping and here are the cash receipts, then I went back to work until 12 noon when I had lunch with Fat Tony at the oasis bar and grill where everyone saw us including this group of people whose names and telephone numbers I will supply for you. I spent the afternoon playing golf with a group of business contacts who all saw me and verify that this is where I was." - I would arrest them on the spot. But -- if they said "I was at work I suppose - why?" I'd be less likely to arrest them.

There's no need to be broke all your life!
Let me show you how to make money at home so you can:

What day should I rob a bank?

Mondays and Fridays are the best bank robbing days. People either deposit their week's takings on Fridays or their weekend's takings on Mondays. Either way there will be more cash in the bank on these two days. You can rob a bank on other days, but you just won't need such big bags. Never plan your heist for a Sunday because the bank isn't open. Many heists have been completely ruined just by planning to do them on Sundays and other bank holidays.  There you are with your whole gang and you can't get in because the door is locked.  Mondays, and Fridays.  Remember those days.

Making The Big Entry

When you enter the bank you need to get everyone under control as quickly as possible. Many first time bank robbers make the mistake of trying to throw a memorable line in at this point. These include "I want everyone saying hail mary's to the rats", "Pucker up and kiss the floor" and "Pull your ears back and lick the carpet down".

The problem with all of these witty sayings is that the person involved has to stop and think about what the heck you want them to do. It's better to stick to the tried and true tune of: "Hands Behind Your Head and lie on your stomachs."

You need to have everyone covered inside your first 2 seconds.

Move tellers away from counters which may conceal alarm buttons, move heroic looking customers away from you and move security guards into small lockable cupboards. Some people like to fire shots into the air but this is just show boating. You're going to feel pretty silly later when you are being chased through the McDonald's parking lot by the police and you have no bullets left.

Keeping the staff and customers covered

One or more of your henchmen will be needed to cover all the staff and customers. This is easier if you move them all together. This henchmens job is to make sure nobody makes a noise, raises an alarm or tries to doing anything heroic. The henchmen also has a second equally important job. he needs to look at a stop watch and occasionally shout out numbers. This will give you an idea of how long you have been in the bank robbing things, and how long before you can expect news-crews, police and military to turn up (HINT: They will usually turn up in this order).

Getting the money

It is widely accepted amongst makers of bank robbing movies that the best course of action is to go after the counter tills and leave the safe. Counter money should be easy to get, but the safe is what will have you set for life and besides it gives you a chance to blow something up. You need big bags to carry the money in. For special effects, these should have dollar signs painted on the outside in green.

Exiting The Bank

Before you exit the bank you need to shout something like "Everyone stay exactly where they are for thirty minutes". Then run away. No-one ever will stay put, but it's worth a try.

Other helpful hints

Turn off your cellphone - nothing undermines your professionalism more than having your cellphone start ringing whilst you are herding hostages, especially if it is your mother, demanding to know where you are.

Dress Nice - you are going to be on television after all!

Speak with an accent - You should spend at least a few weeks developing a foreign accent to use during the heist

Congratulations you have just robbed your first bank. I hope you enjoy this rewarding career and the excitement of life on the run.

the end
of part two
in this remarkable course
Click HERE to continue your education

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