One Liner Jokes

Son, you did the right thing and everyone admires you for it.  Don't spoil everything by bragging on how humble and smart you are.


The hardest thing about raising bird seed for a living is keeping the birds out of the crop until we get it sold.



To try borrowing money on the plea of extreme poverty.—

To lose money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.—

To ask the publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.—

To ask a wine merchant how old his wine is.—

To make yourself generally disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain some palpable advantage by it.—

To get drunk, and complain the next morning of a headache.—

To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder that you are ragged.—

To sit shivering in the cold because you won't have a fire till November.—

To suppose that reviewers generally read more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.—

To judge of people's piety by their attendance at church.—

To keep your clerks on miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.—

Not to go to bed when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."—

To make your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they tell lies for themselves.—

To tell your own secrets, and believe other people will keep them.—

To render a man a service voluntarily, and expect him to be grateful for it.—

To expect to make people honest by hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the means of getting work.—

To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is asked for it.—

To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to an hospital.—

To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of its being a thief.—

To degrade human nature in the hope of improving it.—

To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it did not once belong to somebody else.—

To expect that your tradespeople will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby clothes.—

To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice, folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of.


One good thing about getting this old.  Nobody can tell if I'm running late or standing still.


Lord Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches, very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am not so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson."


Lord Brougham once said that a lawyer is a learned gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it for himself.


Some assembly is inspired.


Consensus of Opinion

Everybody on earth agrees: Money is always the SECOND most important thing in the world, NEVER the First. 

Unfortunately, nobody ever agrees on what does come first.

Money isn't everything, but there have been times when my bank said it would not accept anything else.

Money isn't the most important thing in the world, but it rates way up there, right alongside of oxygen.


Did you miss out on the dot com bomb? 
Now you can get in on the dot com boom!


Oh!  I remember now.  It wasn't a brown cow!  Funny how these things come back to you when the police begin asking questions.


The Government cannot be fair to everyone.  Therefore the members of Congress have agreed to concentrate on being unfair only to those people that won't help them stay in office. 


Malcolm was so ugly that his mud fences have been known to melt away and hide from him.


Jill, Do you know why my daddy's so sexy?  He shaves with BarbieSol.

Research?  That's where you ask a guru what he thinks of your plans.  In depth research?  That's where you ask a friend of the guru to see what he is telling his friends about your plans behind your back.


The Definition of Insanity..... is doing the same things day in, day out, when they're not producing the required results for you.
The Definition of Stupid
..... is to change anything that's working just because you want more than you deserve.

The Spaniards Searching for the Seven Cities of Cibola did not come on a mission to tell the inhabitants thereof how lucky they were to live in cities of gold.  NO; they crossed International borders determined to strip those cities of their gold and take it home with them so they could put it to good use.


Have I told you lately that it's a good thing I love you?


Hospital Fare:  First they fed me dead squash and a hamburger that had once seen a better day.  When I complained they gave me morphine so I couldn't tell the difference.


Some nurse that was "just following the rules" instead of doing things "the way we do them here" just about wrecked the hospital before she was stopped.


I can't live on love much longer. 
Let's find some potato chips.

We Almost Stand a Chance!

I stand somewhere near the door
And Whine.

= = =

"O Lord, give my poor next door neighbor a lawn mower
almost as good as the one Thou gavest me!"


"Gee," said the delighted husband.  "I was going to fix dinner for you honey, then I realized you already had pudding made."


Three requests that will make the waitress remember you...
#1, Give me some diet water please. 
 #2, I'll have some of that brown cola.
#3, Has this salt been idolized?


The title of my next book will be "TOE JACKERS."  The heroine will be spouting off things that set men back on their heels.


Another book I'm going to write will be titled:  "The corpse Found on the Road Less Traveled."  There ain't no telling how long the body was out there before anyone found it in the middle of the road.  It was Jamie Hawkins job to find out who Bobbie Frost was, and who did her in so far from civilization.


He worshipped a god made with his own two hands.

= = =

It used to be whole families gathered around for funerals in somber silence.  These days they stride vigorously to and fro, whispering progress reports into their cell phones.

= = =

This is my beloved dog, in whom I am well pleased.

= = =

No fishing from this bridge.  
Get down in the ditch with everyone else.

= = =

"There was a confused look on his face," declared the investigating officer.  "I know there was because when I saw that look on his face I was confused."


To make your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they tell lies for themselves.


Your tax bill is the penalty you pay for not helping the right candidates get into office.


Sorry I'm late.  I got lost in the forest trying to find a tree.


If you discover the world won't go your way, check to see if there is another way you can go.


When I was young and impatient I begged the minute hand to move, MOVE AT LAST.  Now older and wiser, I cringe and beg the hour hand to quit flying so quickly past.

Some people are only beautiful when they pose.
Consequently, what they do best is repose.

This Certificate Implies
That Joe Smith has completed
every course we could throw at him
and is now declared to be a Genuine and Certified
Anthropomorphic Seismological Engineer Second Class
Having Graduated from the San Francisco School of Hard Knocks

Maybe there isn't enough evidence to take him to trial in a court of law," admitted the investigating officer.  "But that look I saw on his face would be enough evidence to send him to the electric chair." 

= = =

There is more glory won in heaping praise on those who helped us succeed than there is in stealing the thunder from the giants who showed us how.


Tell a fool he is a fool and he'll argue with you every time.  Tell a wise man how wise he is and he will agree with you, every time.  I've never seen it fail.

= = =

Wealth is what's left over after you have gone through all that you could spend.

= = =

Dear Editor of the morning paper: 
I refuse to tell you who I am, but here's what I think of your paper.


Listen Jenkins, and get it right.  
Just because you are indispensable doesn't mean I have to put up with you.

= = =

All of us know that we can NEVER be perfect.  But, that is no excuse to quit trying because we can ALWAYS be better.


It was that dreamy part of day when slender shadows become skinny snakes.


Striving for greatness as she trod the boards for the first time, the young actress exclaimed:  I come to you in cowboy boots like a gift, bearing Greeks.

= = =

The Hillary Clinton Voodoo Doll from David Freeman of Manhattan is now available.  It comes complete with a starter set of five pins and the pointed instructions of:  "Stick it to her!"  

= = =

Say what you want to about the Ex-First Lady; she is approachable, down-to-earth, and efficient.  Even her worst detractors say they would vote for her, -- if she just had good sense.

= = =

"I have been outsmarted by honesty far more often than I have by superior intellect."


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