"The appreciative chuckle has become an endangered
species of humor today. Lazy comedians shoot
for the embarrassed snicker and audiences circle
the stage like hungry wolves, waiting for Alpha to
draw spurts of blood. Yet gentle humor, like Will
Rogers produced, is still loved. Run a Jack Benny
show over again and it draws gusts of laughter in
more than half the right places. Leave it to Beaver,
the Dick Van Dyke show, Ozzie and Harriet -- these
draw a similar reaction because the Funny Bone
of new audiences hasn't really changed that much in
the last thousand years. Once you hit your own streak
down chuckles street you can add more joy and
zest to the public thoroughfare at every bend in the road."
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Greenland is sinking. It is sinking one or two sillimeters per year. NASA came to the rescue.
Your doctor and pharmacist have a Medical conspiracy going that let's both of them afford a Lincoln Continental. The doctor prescribes what you need to take and the pharmacist fills the order.
Now, if there was collusion here, if one of them was taking a cut from the other, they would soon be caught and sent to prison for racketeering, but they are professionals. They know it's What you put in your body that makes you Sick; too much junk food, too much medicine, too much television. If they would just tell you what to Quit Taking, they could get you well faster and keep you that way longer.
But they are part of the Silent Majority, and both the doctor and the pharmacist are silently investing in the stock market -- in the drug industry if you want to understand how this really works. They even happen to have an inside straight on which drug companies to invest in.
Hmm. I've quit laughing, have you?
What if there are only 2 keys on a key chain? Let's call them LEFT KEY and RIGHT KEY because only one key is on the left and only one key on the right and only one key opens the front door and only one key opens the back door.
It sounds simple enough; you get it right, or you get it wrong. Right?
Common sense says you should have a 50/50 chance of getting it right the first time you choose one, RIGHT? But that's not the way it works. You get a 50/50 chance each time so your odds are just the same, no matter how many times you flip the keys up.
In fact, if you are a contrary old soul and refuse to paint the right key in order to always get the right key in the right lock then you might be like me. For the past 9 months I have yet to put the right key in the lock FIRST.
Alas and alack, there have even been days like this morning when I can't even get the right key in the lock on the second try, nor on the third try!
If you are faced with similar results, what grain of wisdom have you gained? The only thing I've come up with is the certain knowledge I'd better quit my betting on the horses career; If I couldn't pick a single winner in the first 99 years or so, chances are I never will pick the right horse.
All we want is enough of your money to go on vacation again. Please cooperate.
Have you ever wondered which of them was the roughest, toughest animal on earth? I have broke it all down for you in this talking video..
It is cheaper to prepare
People are indignant when you try to change their opinions with facts. Therefore, these facts are cleverly clothed with indignant opinions so that you can accept them or reject them wholesale, before you have to think about the facts. This can't be done by people who are logically incoherent. Let's look at the theories of how the universe is coming apart.
In the days of slavery and the underground railroads, there lived on the banks of the Ohio River near Gallipolis, a noted Democrat named Judge French, who said to some anti-slavery friends that he should like them to bring to his office the first runaway negro that crossed the river, bound northward by the underground. He just couldn't understand why they wished to run away. This was done, and the following conversation took place:
Slave: "Oh, no, Judge; very good, kind massa."
Judge: "He worked you too hard?"
Slave: "No, sah, never overworked myself all my life."
Judge, hesitatingly: "He did not give you enough to eat?"
Slave: "Not enough to eat down in Kaintuck? Oh, Lor', plenty to eat."
Judge: "He did not clothe you well?"
Slave: "Good enough clothes for me, Judge."
Judge: "You hadn't a comfortable home?"
Slave: "Oh, Lor', makes me cry to think of my pretty little cabin down dar in old Kaintuck."
Judge, after a pause: "You had a good, kind master, you were not overworked, plenty to eat, good clothes, fine home. I don't see why the devil you wished to run away."
Slave: "Well, Judge, I lef de situation down dar open. You kin go rite down and git it."
This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever liked.
Okay, who is the nut in charge of this cracker box?
Little Johnny lamented that his father had just lost his job.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver., Jay Leno, US comedian & television host
Early American Jokes
The wife of Sam the Smythie became ill, and presently fell into a trance so deep it deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local customs of that early time, the body was wrapped up tightly inside a sheet. Her body was then borne to the local cemetery on the shoulders of her four strong brothers. Her mother and 3 sisters followed, with the bereaved husband following them. The procession followed a narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a crucial turning point on the mountainous trail, a hackberry thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet and lacerated the woman's flesh. Her blood began leaking through the sheet, and Sam's wife began kicking up a storm, demanding (in fierce language so foul she must have learned it from her brothers) to be loosed from her sheet.
Two men, who were about to be hanged at a public execution were already on the scaffold in preparation for the supreme moment, when a bull being led to market broke loose and ran amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked: "Boy, it's a good thing we're not down there in that crowd."
Once upon a time, Thackeray declares, there was an oyster so big that it took two men to swallow it whole.
Punch was heard to observe that a man who would make a bad pun would pick a good pocket.
John Steinbeck tells about the coyote that was chasing a jackrabbit during the depression, and they were both walking.
I used to think that my mother was a bad housekeeper, but now I'm grown with kids of me own and I realize that she, like me, just had too many lazy kids.
Now that Sister Smith and I are retired we can't seem to arrange our schedules so that we can have our meals together. However, after much pondering and prayer we did manage to set up a schedule where we could take our pills together.
Ma, them nickel pops aren't that cheap no more.
If you beat a dead horse long enough you won't have to bury it.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping., Rita Rudner, US comedian
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on., Oscar Levant
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight., Rita Rudner, US comedian
Every time a president gets shot there is a hue and a cry to take all the guns away from the rest of us. They want to make sure that the next time a president needs doing in the assassins won't be frightened into waiting so long.
We were out yard-sailing in the country and we stopped at a horde of cars. I asked the lady where she had advertised the event. "I didn't advertise it!" she proudly told me. "I just told all my friends on FaceBook to come to my yard sale, and if they didn't show up I would go ask them why not."
No matter where you go,
One liners are my favorite brand of American humor, so I have saved a bunch of them for you, click Hyer.
The American Farmer is on Welfare, but doesn't know it because he's going First Class.
After Sampson was shaved and cleaned up so you could tell what he really looked like, even his wife liked him a little bit.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago, that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
Bridie Malone was her name before she became Lady Corless. She was the daughter of the blacksmith in the village at the gates of Castle Affey, and she was at least forty years younger than Sir Tony. People shook their heads when they heard of the marriage and said that the old gentleman must be doting.
"It isn't even as if she was a reasonably good-looking girl," said Captain Corless, pathetically. "If she had been a beauty I could have understood it, but--the poor old dad!"
Captain Corless was the son of another, a very different Lady Corless, and some day he in his turn would become Sir Tony. Meanwhile, having suffered a disabling wound early in the war, he had secured a pleasant and fairly well-paid post as inspector under the Irish Government. No one, not even Captain Corless himself, knew exactly what he inspected, but there was no uncertainty about the salary. It was paid quarterly.
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