Commonsense Approach
to Domestic Violence

Copyright 2002
Regena English

Domestic violence has been a top catch phrase for the past ten years. 

People use the words as if they represent an incurable disease rather than what it really is: deplorable human behaviors. 

For the past decade talk shows have filled the airways with sad stories of living with violently insane persons but they left out a significant part, the part of the victim. Men and women both sit on talk shows claiming they can't control their behavior, they blame their parents and babysitters for abusing them, they blame the parish priest for molesting them, they blame society for not removing them from an abusive household as children, they blame the gun manufacturer, they blame their loved ones for upsetting them and the list goes on. 

When will the blaming to justify their abuse stop?

Recently I saw a talk show discussing domestic violence and I was deeply saddened by the guest speaker's summation of domestic violence:. 

The only person to blame is the perpetrator, 
after all they're mentally ill. 

Not once did the guest point out how victims aren't victims until they surrender their power, which gave the impression she was saying the victims aren't responsible for themselves.


I'm not saying they (as in the victim) can control anyone but themselves.  

No, I'm saying there's always something the "victim" can do to legitimately protect themselves from further harm. 

Are these options perfect? 

The answer is no, but, at least the "victim" would be attempting to do something rather than throwing their hands in the air and accepting the harsh treatment as facts of life.

After watching the show three other women confided in me their reasons for being disappointed with the show's guest.  Like me they were left with a sour taste in their mouth on how women are encouraged to remain passive and not pro-active to the first signs of abuse.


"I lived with abuse for fifteen years. Every weekend I wore a black eye. One day I woke up and thought to myself, I don't hit him so why should I let him hit me. That's when the light came on, I should be treated the way I treat him. I took responsibility for my allowing this man to hit me. I decided he wouldn't hit me anymore and got out. Who cares how mentally ill he is, I have to be sane for me and see where my power lies." VPalmer
"Expert huh? Women will always be victimized if they never see by not reacting with action, as in getting out, when abuse first starts they're enabling the abuser. Why is it so hard to just say that instead of all that beating around the bush." anonymous
"I'm disgusted. Women can count on future generations being abused because there's no encouragement for them to feel strong and in charge of themselves." Lee It's time we, as human beings, take responsibility for our futures the way God intended and stop handing over our power to decide our own fates to uncaring and abusive people. REMEMBER this, someone giving you a black eye is not a sign they love you, it's a sign they have issues that has nothing to do with you and it's time for you to get away from them.

It doesn't matter how many times Oprah, Sally, or Montel talk about domestic violence it is still happening to many of their audience members and viewers, why?

In this society we have a bad habit of excusing women from being responsible for themselves.  This leaves them as victims to the madness of their abusers. It's imperative women understand their bodies and minds are to be treated with respect and honor, and learn it is within their power to enforce treatment befitting a human being.


Yes, if they are living in an environment that is unhappy due to beatings and cruel criticisms it's their duty to move to safer ground, a place where negative words and actions are not levied against them. Women need to know: if a man or woman has enough love for them to fill a mustard seed they would never give them a black eye, bruise their ribs, shoot or cut them, nor would they ever open their mouths to utter degrading terms directed at them. Love should never humiliate you or beat you silly.

There's power in saying something and meaning it: "No I will not ever permit you to hit me."  Any time an expert doesn't get that message across, they are preserving victimhood.

the end

Regena English, the editor of The Leather Spinsters Newsletter and Leather Spinsters on the Web Ezine publications for happily unmarried careerwomen. She is also the author of a controversial ebook entitled Leather Spinsters and Their Degrees of Asexuality.

Do you agree, disagree, have something to add?  Your comments would be appreciated.  Write to the editor at LinStone@ShopForCookies.Com 

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